What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:46
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is soul school!.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would this be the day?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
So, i spoilt her more .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ive learnt so much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And i lived it daily.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My life is so biszare .
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
All the time i was locked up.
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!